The Ancient Art of Keeping Secrets from Asian Mothers

Ever try to keep a secret from your mother? I have.

When I was sixteen, my online acquaintance from San Diego, whom I met off of Prodigy, decided he wanted to give me a bunch of Honcho and Inches magazines. Online pornography, at this point, was waiting 45 seconds to download a pixelated, four-color gif, so when I was the first to get the package from the mailbox, this was the motherlode. I had no idea where I would put this, however. Throwing it away after getting it in the mail would be too much of a waste, so I decided I would just be really clever, sticking them in an unassuming manila folder and hiding them in the closet.

This was a dumb move.

What I didn't realize was that Asian mothers were thorough and that mothers go through everything.

EVERYTHING.

The dirty stash - which, by the way, was homosexual, and did I not mention I had not come out yet? - was found, and there was…