4 Brutal Lessons From 356 Days of Unemployment (From Someone Who Should Know Better)

Time is a flat circle and, apparently, so is my job search.

I promise you, this AI-generated image of me in a pink elephant costume designed to grab your attention will make a bunch more sense by the time you get to Lesson 4. Maybe.

Hey there, it's me again; your friendly neighborhood unemployment expert — and by “expert,” I mean I've been jobless for 356 days. Yeah, I'm counting. Ha ha haaa.

In that time, I've submitted roughly 80 job applications — a number that would be higher if I hadn't spent an entire night crafting the perfect Federal resume, only to wake up and find the posting closed — participated in interviews while pretending my mom wasn't asking me how many peeled tangerines I wanted in the next room, and learned the hard way that teaching other people how to get jobs for years doesn't make you immune to unemployment yourself. The universe has a sense of humor, and it's laughing directly at my LinkedIn profile.

Look, I could write another “10 TIPS TO OPTIMIZE YOUR LINKEDIN!!!” post — trust me, I've read them all questioning every car…